Some 2-3 years ago now, I started this blog and it transpired to a chore that I didn't want nor could keep up with. It was supposed to be about my process, finding my path through life....Today, it is an avenue- I write about the process, finding oneself, and answering questions that aren't easy to answer. Life's lessons, lessons learned, and the ever-changing.
How was this inspired you may wonder? Someone at work asked me the other day "what the heck do you do or think about on a 20 mile jog? That's crazy!" A year ago, I would have said that's crazy because I had lost touch with running and the mere enjoyment of being out there and making your feet move. How did I answer you wonder? Well...I looked at them as if it was a crazy question, but crazy it was far from that. The answer is so much deeper than a simple response- did they have time for that? Did they want to hear that, really? So.... my answer at the time was "heck I don't know." Holy shit..I didn't have an answer- one of my biggest fears! Not having answers scares me, not having a plan or direction makes me nervous and intimidates the hell out of me. Typical people probably don't understand this, nor the stress it creates within me; this is where I figured they didn't want me to go...they really didn't want the real answer. I shrugged again, as if my first answer "heck I don't know" wasn't good enough because they stood there looking at me. Then I thought about 2 seconds later this is what came out "a whole lot of something and much more of nothing. does that make sense?" I guess they were content with that answer as they nodded, shrugged and said "have a great day!"
That question stuck in my head though, I'm a thinker, a deep thinker, I'm passionate about things I'm involved in-sometimes this is good, sometimes this haunts me- but back to the question that I pondered for a few days, okay for a week. How do I explain the runner's high? How do I explain not being in my head? Not sure I've come to the conclusion....maybe...?? Not everything in life has an answer, an explanation, words. Some things are best without those. Holy cow, is this me talking, a person who verbal processes EVERYTHING to the fullest extent possible?! And..that my friends, right there is why I enjoy running- I take in the beauty of it, I enjoy the scenery, I feel my body (well learning too), and has odd as it sounds I get out of my head for just a little while. I can just be, happy with myself and my surroundings, proud of my accomplishments. 20 miles, I never thought I could run, but ran it this past weekend without an inch of pain or soreness. I am blessed with a lot--first and foremost a family that I can laugh and cry with at any given moment, who will listen (really listen) and who have never let me down. A significant other- who has a great balance of fun and work... A dog who couldn't be happier to see you, even if you did only leave for 5 minutes. Friends that have gone to great lengths for me, a career that touches the lives of others, that in of itself people have a lot expectations of me....but still I demand more of myself, why??? More and more... I'm never quite there, haven't accomplished enough for myself internally.
The runner's high...I drop those expectations for myself and I can just be..be in the moment. I think of my grandfather, who is in a better place watching over me and guiding me, the mountains, the water, I see the wildlife and I realize that each moment in and of itself holds a special place.
Screw time goals- do I want to do well yes...do I have expectations of myself yes, will I get there yes. Per a conversation with my coach today, my number one priority is the atmosphere, the people and the support that matters most.
In which leads me to this article that a co-worker sent my way today: "The Only Time We Have Together Is Right Now" (http://www.parade.com/health/2010/11/07-only-time-we-have-together. or www.parade.com). A story of a couple that are more aware than most of the importance of living in the present. With one diagnosed with a rare aggressive form of cancer. "They talk about falling in love was easy, but finding time to spend together was not."
So from the words of the bride: "This is ridiculously overwhelming-in a wonderful way." And yes, in many ways this is....LIFE....
Now, if I had gone on that tangent, my coworker probably would have wished he never asked! Go out and enjoy the moment, I know I'm trying to do that more and more often!
Peace and tranquility!
1 comment:
Beautiful.
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