As 2013 begins, I reflect; 2012 was an amazing year but not without it's difficulties. I have always known life to be in black and white. Yes, for the most part, its been that simple. I've been driven, I've worked hard and I've succeeded. My 20s were pretty good and surprisingly, my teenage years were maybe even a bit better. Everyone told me it gets better in your 30s but I'm finding myself smack dab in the middle of "grey" (partially the title of this blog several years ago). Suddenly, everything is shockingly in grey and in bright color blasts. I'm part of something bigger than myself now- a marriage, a community, a job that involves families (and don't get me wrong- I love it) but there are a lot of answers I don't have; this is new, scary, and slightly uncomfortable. I'm one of those lucky ones - life has opened many doors for me, I've always been able to choose, which ones do I want to keep open and which doors I decide to shut. I'm not sure what one, or many, of those decisions I made were right or wrong, but they've led me to where I am today.
Is this a mid-life crisis or what? It seems a bit early for that but heck, who knows, right? Time isn't real, it something we have coined; yet it is as real as real can be--it just keeps moving, there is no going backward! The last year has been full of changes, surprises and miracles. Mostly good, some tough, but learning experiences nonetheless. I've learned more about how humans function, and treat each other in America, than I'd like to have experienced. It has been one of those- maybe now is a good time to run back to small town America and hide from all the ugly I've found. Yet, amongst that ugly has been greatness- to name a few, but certianly not limited to-- a great husband, great friends who really care, wonderful dog, great families in which allow me into their homes and trust, and of course, some great bosses. I have admit, I don't think you can find that without having spent some time with the ugly. As I've also learned of-- money, greed, politics, control, and having to stand up for what I really feel in my heart is right against pressure and lots of it. Those experiences have really helped me to define who I am, who I want to be, and who ultimately I will become.
My hubby was a bit right on when I met him several years ago, its not about the material possessions, nor the money. I won't really say I ever considered myself a materialist but as you get older and accumulate more stuff, I found, I had more than I needed (and quite frankly wanted)! Ya know, the car, the house, the school loans, the bikes, the travel, the clothes and on and on and on again. I figured out one thing that which fulfills me is not the things listed above. Its the kids and families I work with, its the relationships I have with people, its about giving back, and having time.. Time for my family, my dog, the community, my friends and for myself (yes, myself)! Try to balance that with working 3 jobs, exercising, blogging, eating healthy, travel, visiting family, etc! It gets tough!
So where does that leave me know. It leaves me with a lot of questions...some that I don't have answers to (which this perfectionist struggles with)... Do I want kids? Heck, forget the kid question, I ask the same thing about getting another dog. Do I want to be closer to our families? Could we stay in Colorado or could we leave? What do I want to be career driven? And all this has me feeling a little off kilter going into 2013. Most of our friends are in the kid stage, or the divorce stage (4 couples this year alone--sad), they are either stay at home moms or knee deep in their careers. No one has to say anything, I feel the pressure and the thoughts- "you're married, you're 31, you're running out of time." Do I want kids, sure I do...But do I want to travel, sure I do. Do I want to be successful in my job, yep that too! So what comes first? Where do we want to settle down? Do I want to settle down (as in stationary in one place for the rest of my life)...now that scares me a little!
Ultimately in the end though, I've found if you live your life with the best interest of others at the base of your morals, then things somehow start to work out. In the end, we don't have much time and we need to spend what we do have doing things we enjoy! So given that, here are the resolutions I've mapped out for 2013:
1. Become more connected with the community- attend community, charity, sports events.
2. Date my husband again- make time for US!
3. Lose 10 pounds --yes that is in there- I feel better, have more energy, and can do more for others.
4. Say goodbye to my school loans!
5. Keep my caseload low- with all the demands of the job that come long before seeing a client- this is important. I need to uphold ethical considerations, always put the family/child first, put reinforcement on top, analyze data, and make program adjustments.
6. Get Movin- make sure I make time everyday for a workout or a meditation!
7. Check facebook, twitter, pintrest only 2x per week!
8. Eat Clean!
I will be breaking each of these down into smaller more managable chunks, as I outlined in my article on goals at Peak-Body-Nourishment.
