Digesting....

As I sit here with some downtime tonight, I realize I am exhausted. That is what I've been for the last couple of months--hard to get up in the morning, hard to make my workouts happen, and hard to stay up at night.. I realized tonight that I could have gone to bed at 6:45pm but my dog would have hated me since Daniel is out of town....

As things start to slow, the impact of the loss is really setting in hard. I think I've been in tears 3x this week over it. I miss my grandfather. I have to admit this isn't a reality to me yet. I talked to my grandmother today and... it just sucks there is nothing else I can say about it. I hurt so bad when she didn't say "your grandfather just walked in want to talk to him." I'm struggling more so than I ever have in my life....

I have to be honest with myself and I'm trying to be merciful as well but this is one of the hardest 9 months I have had in my life and I feel like I'm going to crack at any moment. Now isn't that great--Honestly, I don't know if I'm getting older or weaker or what but I just can't handle stress like I used to be able to, it does awful things to you. The stress of a very dysfunctional internship assignment and school was enough to handle, then I took on coaching, which didn't seem to be stressful, just time consuming. To add to that I made two trips back to NY in March and I haven't fully recovered from the second.. It hurts so freakin bad! I miss my family...

It is funny to hear me say I don't deal with change well because my mo has been that I am scared to get comfortable. I don't want comfort but I don't want to lose people I love... EVER.... I know i sound helpless right now, that isn't the case--life goes on, i put it away and save it for another time but.. holy cow, it is so hard to help kids and other adults right now when I have this constant ache in my heart that just longs for my grandfather back..It was his birthday yesterday, I hope he was celebrating with his brothers but I have to admit--I'm selfish--I wish he could have been celebrating here.

As ridiculous as it sounds, on top of that I've gained a bunch of weight and that bothers me too... Why can't I got the other direction when I'm stressed and upset--I wouldn't mind losing it.. I need life to slow down a bit so I can get caught back up but I don't like it when it slows down because then I realize what I miss and how I hurt...

Okay so on another note, I must promote this event runforthefallen.org. check it out. A group of guys (including one dear old friend of mine from high school) will be running across the country this summer in honor of fallen soldiers. One mile will be dedicated to every solider! I think this is awesome. Check out the website to help support or run- there is even and informational gig up on u-tube!

Okay it is off to bed for me.. I only have 8 more days at that place I refer to as an internship. I must say my wonderful colleagues in the itinerant office have a wonderful sense of humor and are helping this end come much more humorous and quickly! I am much excited for my new job next year.

goodnight and sorry this blog was not so chipper! I promise they will pep up a bit.. everyone goes through these times right??