"Reality Check 101"

I blog today in green because.... Green is life. The color green signifies abundant in nature, growth, renewal, health, and environment. Green also has an ugly component- jealousy or envy (Green-Eyed Monster) and inexperience. So green, not only my favorite color, but "green" and it's definition fit this post well.


Lets start with the "ugly" side of green. Envy- spite at the success of another.... Ouch, harsh! I wouldn't exactly say "spite" but I would say difficulty. I'm proud of any and everyone else's success, truly I am. I am also happy for people, and still am when they accomplish something, get better at something, etc. But it is difficult, especially when that success feels like it comes between people, segregates them. When it is at the cost of another.... Reality check #1 this weekend! I'm not the best with words when they come straight out of my mouth. I am better when I have time to think, process, and explain. My explanation is exemplified through this post and hopefully it does not get me in trouble. However, this blog is about my feelings and experiences, is it not? So I'd be doing anything other than being truthful and sincere if I posted one of my usual bubbly upbeat blogs...wouldn't I?

So the weekend.... It was fun as always, and i'm one step further ahead snowboarding than I was before. But the reality of the situation is obviously my gains are not "good enough," or so that is how I feel. Now, I'm well aware that that is not what was meant nor is meant, but...nonetheless that is how I feel and I can't particularly hide my emotions on this matter. I've had my setbacks before....I felt the burden of struggle to get back "on top" for lack of a better term, but I HAVE ALWAYS DONE THAT. Never however, have I had others "give up on me" or .... tell me "the reality of the situation is." So.... it was confirmed yesterday and then again this morning in a phone conversation on my way to the springs. Yes, I appreciate the honesty of everyone; I in no means want anything less than honest but nonetheless it stings- but these are the stings we need to endure sometimes, need to hear sometimes, i guess..

My reaction to this is complicated it includes: hurt, anger, disgust, unwilling to budge, motivating and again at the same time unmotivating. If ... everyone is going to tell me the reality of the situation is you've had two knee surgeries and a foot surgery in the last 6 years and you CAN'T go like you used to.. to stop living in the past (which I by no means feel like I am doing)... then what is the point of setting goals?

CAN'T that is a strong word; a word that almost makes me want to give up or throw up one of the two..... a phrase that makes it difficult to keep trying.. If people are going to make excuses for me, then why don't I just start using those exact excuses myself? that is the question I ponder with today. My next statement is "bull shit (pardon my French), those are not excuses and I REFUSE to acknowledge them as excuses. If I do- that puts me in such a place that i'm setting myself back before I begin! It is telling myself "why try?" Why try, when these barriers are in place? that is asinine. I've never been one to not try. On the other hand, I think ..... it is used in a way to be nice- to explain (in blunt terms) "you suck"- in nice terms: "well your having difficulty because you've gone through this..... and so on and so on!"

I'll also say I've never been one to have my feelings completely and ultimately hurt and if they have been, I surely do not let onto that. This time though is different, amongst my tough girl attitude is this- hurt. A hurt that I cannot pinpoint- yeh I want to be strong, yeh i want to prove some points, yeh I want to prove everyone wrong but on the other hand I want to admit that I'm hurt and I don't know how it can be fixed. I know it can be fixed but I'm just not sure how??

By no means am I preaching that I'm an "angel" or a "victim" in this situation. I know that I take my frustration out on others at times- I know I work others up at times.... Let me just state that. I know that is not the correct approach and I don't mean to do it, sometimes my frustrations are just out before I know what has happened. It is only because I expect more of myself, I expect the best of myself and I expect what I am capable of... let me repeat that WHAT i AM CAPABLE OF and nothing less. I know what is out of my realm and I know what i'm capable of--so when I don't perform to my extent of capability, yes it frustrates me because it isn't OKAY in any sense of the word!

This weekend just sucked because the reality of all of it is that it now is not longer going to be enjoyable to go with people unless i know i can keep up with them. I'm always going to wonder now- who am I am going to annoy? Who am I going to hold back? Who's weekend/day am I ultimately going to ruin?..... So...Enough said on the bad part of green.

To the positive! Green is made up of what I signify...Nature, environment, growth, renewal, and health. It isn't a bad thing that I'm now on this path- the path of renewal. I know where I am... I never not knew, so I'm not quite sure why this weekend it was such a shock to my system....I guess it just isn't what I'm used to. I hate the fact that I want to show ...show a lot, I have a lot to prove- it just stinks that I'm determined now to do it all on my own. However, I guess you get the ultimate satisfaction when it comes from you and you alone- comes from inside you. I also want to mention that although I harp on this weekend, it was not this one isolated situation, nor was any one person in general- I've been told this by a few now and so it just builds up after time and this is the result of the "final framework."

On a much lighter more exciting note- I stood up on the rollers today and also spun with no hands. I've been working on this for maybe two weeks now... it wasn't long maybe a good 10-20 seconds each time but... it is progress and it was several times. Not sure why i'm bringing this up because... I know there are people that have done it quicker and better but at least I did it! I'll continue to work on it amongst the obvious other "weaknesses" i have..

Below are awesome pictures of Mindy, Matt, and I snow shoeing! It definitely was fun! Should hopefully lighten up this post immensely. Also, a picture of the "real" Heather--space cadet!!!

Okay so this is moi in the back of Matt's cop car! He was giving us a ride home so we didn't have to walk- I didn't get arrested. I can't get the snowshoeing pic up but will for sure soon! Adios!!